where words fail, music speaks

What music do you listen to when you are happy? Sad? Working out? Driving? Dancing? We all have our favourites. Different music for different emotions. Different music for different activities.

To me music has always been an important aspect of my life. In high school I was always found with headphones on my ears, or the very least around my neck. This is what inspired my headphones I have tattooed on my back. Since attending my first concert back in my early pre-teen years, I've lost track of the amount of concerts I have attended. Somewhere around 100 or so, I just stopped counting. Going out to see a band play live is my favourite thing to do. There's nothing I enjoy more than a good music festival with some good friends. When my favourite band takes the stage, the music takes over and I can't help but lose control of my body and my emotions. Depending on the band, I either dance, cry or go into an all out singalong. 

When I was preparing for my road trip across Canada, I was told by numerous people to make sure I don't listen to too many sad songs. But I am an emo kid at heart. And the sad songs are always my favourite kind. And I enjoy a good sad song when I am sad, it makes me feel like I am not alone in my sadness. 

Luckily for me I have great friends, with great music taste. Two friends of mine were nice enough to make me USB sticks full of great music for my drive. And one even specified the exact moments to listen to specific bands. And he was right. If you are ever driving through the mountains, I suggest throwing on some Junip, or Fear of Men. They are the perfect mountain music. It's amazing how Dan knew that. 

I started thinking about how music affects your mood. I have never found that listening to happy music when I'm sad helps. I have always been a sad music in sad times kind of person. But the funny thing was, I started my drive with sad music and as I drove across Canada my music turned more into anthems. I started each day with Death Can for Cutie's 'You are a Tourist', because for me the lyrics are one that hit close to home. 'If you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born then its time to go & define your destination, there's so many different places to call home'. As the days went on, I listened to one of my favourite bands, Stars. Their music had a way of making me feel like I was strong enough to make this journey across Canada and be on my own. Something about a lyric that says 'take the weakest thing in you, and then beat the bastards with it', that just makes you feel like your weakness can be turned into a strength. 

So maybe I didn't listen to the typical road trip music. Life is a highway, but I didn't need it sung to me. I needed my favourite bands, to comfort me and bring me strength. And I needed to find new music, provided by friends, to remember the bonds I share with people. Music brings people together, you get to know others through music. And you get to know yourself. The drive may have been a strengthening journey, but without a soundtrack to guide me, I'm not sure it would've had the same affect. 

Nietzsche was right, without music, life would be a mistake. Music is magical. It's mystical and healing powers are hard to explain. And it will always be a huge part of my life. It will always be the only constant that keeps me comforted and feeling like myself. So as I put my favourite record on today, I remember that drive and the way the music acted as my passenger. I was never truly alone, I had some great musicians joining me on my journey. 

i'll endure the night, for promise of the light

What is it about sunrises and sunsets that are so intriguing? I know I am not the only one who chases them. Everywhere I go, I love finding the best place to watch the sun come up or the sun go down. It's as if the view of the mountains, the city, the people, it's never good enough without the promise of colours filling the sky and the sun comes into view, or out of view. After experiencing so many alone, as well as with others, I can honestly say that it is magical no matter who you are with.

Sunset in El Nido, Palawan, Philippines 

On my own, watching the sun rise or set, it gives me a sense of peace. I almost meditate in the moment with focus on the sun and it's movement. The colours fill the sky and make me calm. It's healing in a way, to watch another day start or end, knowing that whatever negativity you endured before this, it will be washed away in thoughts of yesterday. As a new day begins, so does hope for a better day. I do love a good sunset, but those sunrises are what really get me. As the sky begins to change colour, it paints the darkness with pinks, purples, yellows and oranges. All the darkness you were feeling, it lightens it up. Brings new perspectives, with the new colours. Allows you to let go of the negativity, and bring forth the positivity. I remember waking up the past year, before the sun, having a hard time getting up and ready for my day in darkness, but as soon as I was driving and saw that sunrise in my rearview mirror, it was like a reawakening. I was ready for my day.

Rearview mirror sunrises on the 401

Sunrise in the Northern Rockies, Muncho Lake, BC

Sunrise on top of the Clay Cliffs behind my house in Whitehorse, YT

Sunrise and rainbow welcoming me to Banff

Sunrise in Northern Rockies, Muncho Lake, BC

Sunsets are just as enchanting. Especially when watching the sun set with the person you love. I remember as Ryan and I traveled, whether in South East Asia, or last year in Europe on the cruise, we chased those sunsets. It was amazing to be able to watch the sun set in so many different places in the world, and share that with someone else. Some of my favourite pictures from my travels are the sunsets I have captured. And regardless if my relationship has ended, those memories of chasing sunsets will never end. And I will always have the pictures to look upon and remember how good it felt to be surrounded by the colours in the sky and be with the person who I loved more than anything at that moment. There is something majestically romantic about watching the sun go down on another day spent with that person. Forget dinners, flowers, jewellery, just take me to the sunset for romance. It is all I need.

Sunset in Gili Trawangan, Lombok, Indonesia

Silhouettes in the sunset in Gili Trawangan, Lombok, Indonesia

Will always be my favourite sunset picture

I know it may seem ridiculous to some, posting pictures of someone I no longer am dating and myself kissing in front of a sunset. But it is a fantastic picture, and it was an amazing moment, and it is something I will never forget. I never understand hiding pictures away of moments like these, just because things didn't work out between you. Whenever I watch the sunset, I think of this moment and how lucky I was to experience such epic sunsets with him, in so many places in the world. And I am glad we captured moments on camera, especially since he is a much better photographer than I. And I can't wait to experience more on my own, when I continue to travel and get better in my photography skills. 

So today, go watch the sunset. Appreciate the beauty. No matter where I go, I am always chasing the sun.

solitary confinement at it's finest

I will never understand everyone's fear of being single. I feel like there are so many people who spend their lives being terrified of being alone. When they are in a bad relationship, they stay in it because they don't want to be single. When they get broken up with, they rebound right away because, to them, it is better than being alone. So they seem to think anyways. And when a break up happens, it's almost like a race between exes of who can move on to a new relationship first. And if you stay single for too long after, you are clearly not over your ex. You can't possibly just be happy being single. I will never understand it.

Don't get me wrong, there are times that I miss being in a relationship. Though it is not that I miss being in a relationship in general, I miss being in a relationship with him specifically. I do not miss having someone in my bed when I go to sleep at night or when I wake up in the morning, I miss him being the one in my bed. I do not miss having someone to do things with all the time, I can do things on my own.  Or I have friends if I don't want to do it alone. I find after years of giving advice to friends over breakups, they generally just miss being with someone so much, that they often get pulled back into a relationship that wasn't all that great to begin with. And maybe my relationship wasn't perfect. But he did make me happy for a long time. Lucky for me, I am perfectly fine on my own. In fact after almost four years of being in a relationship (well 2 officially, 2 unofficially) I almost forgot how awesome it is to be single. It's nice not to have to worry about someone else. It's nice to be selfish and do only what I want to do. It's refreshing to only have to worry about taking care of myself and not another person. There's a reason I do not want kids or pets, the responsibilities of it all. Relationships can be that way too sometimes. You taken on the responsibility of taking care of them, and they do the same. 

Most importantly, it's fantastic to make plans for your future and not have to take anyone into consideration but yourself.  As I sit here this morning planning my trip around the world, I don't have to worry about anything but making sure I have enough money and time to see all that I want to see. And when you are traveling, with no significant other on the other side of the world waiting for your return, you do not need to worry about how to get a hold of them, missing them and getting home sick over them. You still miss your family and friends, but believe me, after four months in Thailand without Ryan, I remember how much I missed him, and wanted to make sure I could text him when I wanted to. Find time to Skype/FaceTime/video chat, so you can see their face. It's hard to go for long periods of time away from the person you love. Though I will admit, it is nice when that person comes across the world to be with you. Or coming home to the person you love, when you have been away. But that doesn't mean not having that is awful. It is still nice to come home to your family and friends when you have been away. There are always others that you have been missing when you travel. When you are alone for long periods of time, company from others is quite nice, but that doesn't need to come from a relationship.

It's important to enjoy your own company. To really be happy in solitude. And I believe I have achieved that. And I don't just mean recently. I have always been a social person, but I have also been one to enjoy my private time. Some people can often mistaken it as being anti social or sad, but there are things I enjoy doing alone. I enjoy reading. Reading can be a very solitary activity. Though there are times while reading I miss being intertwined with my ex, both with a book open. But I wouldn't want that with just anyone. I'd rather read alone. It's my escape. I miss my step outside my house, the one I grew up in. Some of my favourite time alone was spent there reading and people watching. 

All in all, I have never been one to hate or be in fear of the single status. I'd rather be by myself than be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Or with someone who lies to me. Or cheats. Being single is a nice freedom that is almost unexplainable. I guess being someone who doesn't want to get married or have kids, I don't have this clock ticking, telling me I need to rush back into something in order to do these things at the appropriate age. But I mean, it took me until I was 24 to find someone who I felt was worth being in a relationship with. I have dated before but have always enjoyed being single more than I ever enjoyed the company of anyone else. So I stayed single. There were potentials in the past who, with different timing, could have been something more. Australia got in the way with one. And I wouldn't have traded that experience for any relationship. Timing is everything. I was lucky Thailand didn't get in the way of another relationship; it actually kick started one into something real. So here I sit, with one great relationship in my past. No regrets. It was amazing while it lasted. But here's to being single. To being selfish. And wandering alone around this world, just doing me. Because when I am alone, I am in pretty great company, if I do say so myself.