i am a nomad, a wanderer

Ever since I arrived in Whitehorse, I haven't felt like myself. Maybe it was the emotional journey I have been on that hasn't allowed me to be myself fully, but I have known since the moment I got here that I don't belong here. That's not to say I haven't enjoyed my time here. I have met a few lovely people, though few friends I have, they are quality, I can tell you that much. I have been lucky to be living with two of the loveliest people, who have made this place a home to me. But in the grand scheme of things, I hate the cold. Who am I kidding? I tried it, I lasted longer than even I thought I would. But cold and snow just take me so far out of my element that I just know this is not the place for me.

When I set out to come here, it was to runaway from the pain and the misery I was dealing with at home, and run to a place where I can teach and learn to be alone again. I did not set any expectations of how long I would live here, or what my life would be like here. I came here a blank slate and free to do with it as I choose. And I have stuck by that. I made a few friends, mostly through my roommate and my friend Bryn who was already living here. I tried to make other friendships that just didn't quite work out. I spent many hours by myself in my room with Netflix and in the past two months I have learned to knit. And I mean really knit. I am not talking scarves, I am talking words in my scarfs, patterns on hats… I have even impressed myself. And that makes me happy. Accomplishments make me happy. I set out to learn to knit and I exceeded my own expectations of what I would be able to do. It may seem trivial to some, but to me, it meant something.

My blog name on a scarf because I can

Made a deer head hat for Bryn

Child sized snowflake hat meant to be adult sized

My first adult sized hat

Hat I sent to the lovely Sarah in NY

My time here has not been negatively looked upon. It has been quite amazing to be able to teach in a few different schools, making friendships with other teachers and relationships with the students. The past few days were spent in the Catholic elementary school here where I had students excited to see me as their music teacher, and who complimented me on my hair, glasses and dress, so much so that I could barely get them to settle down to get the lesson started. I had one of the teachers tell me that she wished I could cover her classes, and that she would take more time off when she felt ill if she knew I was the one covering for her. That honestly made me feel wonderful. Especially after hearing many teachers complain about some substitute teachers around here. To know I am one of the good ones, it makes me proud. And I had the chance to teach high school here, which has been amazing. Even when I am not in the English classes, I just enjoy being at the high school. The students are wonderful. The other teachers are great. And I feel a level of respect I cannot describe.

But alas, my time here is coming to an end. I have spent the last few months applying overseas to jobs in many cities, countries, continents. I had my top choices, which I knew were unlikely to be obtained. But I sent my resume out anyways. After buddha knows how many applications sent out, I finally caught a break about a month ago and was offered an interview for a high school position at an international school in Vietnam. After my initial interview, on Skype, I was asked to have a second interview with the Director of the school about 3 weeks ago. I felt very confident after the interview, but then again I always do. I am confident in my abilities to teach, and I like to think I am personable and come across well in interviews. While I was waiting to hear back from them, they said it would be a few weeks, I kept applying. As lovely as it would be to teach in Vietnam, my initial dream has been to teach in every continent, and I have already done Asia, teaching in Thailand. And Vietnam is similar. But because of that, I also know I would probably love it. So my application process still followed along, and truthfully only ended today.

About a week and a half ago, my friend Ardie and I were texting and he told me to look up the Marshall Islands. I already knew where it was, but hadn't really looked into the possibility of teaching there. So I googled to find out if they had an international school. Lo and behold, they do. So I looked over their website, did a bit more research about Majuro, Marshall Islands, where the school is located. And I fell in love. It's not perfect, but the imperfections make it the experience I think I need right now. The island is part of a group of islands (or atolls) that make up the Marshall Islands. I suggest googling it to find out more, as it is rather fascinating. It has only been an independent country since 1986, same amount of time I have been alive. Pretty interesting. Anyways, I decided to apply and see what happens. Within a few hours I received a response with more information about the school and living there, letting me know to read it over and respond if still interested. And after reading through it all, doing a little more research and a bit of thought, I decided to respond. By the end of the day we had an interview scheduled for later in the week. My initial interview wasn't as long as my Vietnam ones, but felt more through and I felt more relaxed. It was a great conversation and informative and I felt like I really clicked with the principal. She was friendly and seemed like she would be a great person to work for. Luckily for me, by the end of the interview she already scheduled another one for this week with her and two other staff, a panel interview. She then sent me over a bunch of links of curriculums and programs they were looking into for the new school year, to read over for my interview. I spent some time each day on the weekend going through it all and making notes. Tuesday night after work I came home, and went straight to my computer for the interview. The interview was great. Once again I felt like I really clicked with the other staff, they were funny and informative and just all around great people. I was confident the job was mine.

Today, I received an email congratulating me and offering a position at the school! I was in disbelief. I read over the entire email a few times before it really sunk in. I am moving to the Marshall Islands. To an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I am going to live in Oceania. Is this real life? So what does this mean? This means that I have been offered a two year contract to teach in Majuro, Marshall Islands, starting this August. This means I will be leaving Whitehorse, Yukon, probably around June 1. I will be teaching my own class, which grade has yet to be determined, either 3 or 5, hoping for 5, but I will take either one. I am moving to this beautiful island….

Majuro, Marshall Islands

This is where it is located

Cluster of Islands that make up Marshall Islands

So my tentative plans for the next few months until I have to go are…

Spend March working, except for March break, where I will hit up Dawson, YT for a few days, relax a bit and then my parents visit. Then spend April working, and since I have to be out of my house by the end of April, I need to find a place to live here for May. I plan to stay in Whitehorse til the end of May, as I may as well keep teaching since I am working every day lately and making money is a good idea. That being said, I will probably start my drive home around May 31/June 1. My plan for my drive home is to really get the most out of it and enjoy it. My drive here was amazing, do not get my wrong, but I want to really see Canada and experience what my country has to offer before I leave it for at least 2 years (probably more). So I will make my way down British Columbia, spend a few days wandering around Vancouver/Victoria and anywhere else I may have friends I can drop in on. Then head east to Banff and spend a few days taking it all in. The few hours I spent in Banff were just not enough on my way here. Then I will make my way across the Prairies, stop in to visit my aunt and uncle in Sultan, Ontario. And then I will hit Toronto, where I will unload my car, sleep, and keep driving. My plan is to continue my cross Canada tour and drive to Halifax to see my lovely friend Jenna and see the east coast for the first time. I will spend a few days around there and start my journey home again.

After this, I will spend a month or so soaking up all the time with my family (mainly my nieces and my grandma, sorry every one else) and my friends. Hopefully hit up a music festival, eat at all my favourite restaurants and maybe have a big welcome home/bon voyage/happy early birthday party somewhere at some point to get all the people I miss and will miss under one roof. And then tentative plans are to fly out to Australia for a few weeks to visit some awesome people and see some friends I have kept in touch with since I lived out there way back in 2009. If timing works out with my lovely Aussies, if not, I know where I am spending Christmas! And then I will fly to Majuro to settle into my new 'home' and new job.

So that's it, ladies and gentlemen. After a winter spent in northern Canada, which has actually been warmer this past week or so, and many other days as well, than my hometown in Ontario, I might add, it is time to bid farewell and move on to warmer climates and new adventures. Did I mention Bora Bora and Fiji are close to the Marshall Islands? Who's coming to visit?

This smile on my face right now is never leaving. I am still in disbelief. I am going to be living on an island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean… I mean after the last year I just had, I deserve this. MY LIFE IS AWESOME! And yes I will brag because I am so happy, excited, tickled pink if you will. Nothing will break this emotional high right now. Okay I am done. That is my news.

the sound of a new place

When you live somewhere new, you get used to all the sounds of that new place eventually, over time. You become accustomed to the creaks in the house, the sounds that frequent outside your place of residence, and even the noise your roommates make. I write this as I lay in bed, having tried to sleep but kept up by the noise of the snow removal happening outside my window. Here in Whitehorse, snow removal on the streets is not something that happens every time it snows. No that would just be too easy… I mean there are not that many streets in town, it really could not possibly take that long to do it frequently. Instead, snow removal happens on a random night, months after snow has been falling, once it has already been packed down nice from all the cars driving over it daily. It's not as easy as running a plow across the street to pick up freshly laid snow; now the plow has to break up the snow that has been packed down, then it is able to plow it off the roads.

Now this isn't a normal sound by any means, like I said, it's not done daily, or even weekly, or monthly. In fact this is the first time I have had to hear the sounds. But I can tell you this much, listening to them break up the snow, and move their snow plows around noisily, does not bode well for a good night's rest. Do they know they make loud beeping noises when they back up? Is there not a way to turn these functions off at night? I guess it could be worse…

At home, where I grew up, I don't recall the noises really keeping me up. I lived in the same house most my life, so I was well used to the noises by the time I grew up. University, well living in a dorm room on residence you mostly have to get used to your roommate.. and well I will save that for another time. But I remember when my parents moved to the house they are in now, it was eery. The house was bigger and sound traveled differently I could hear everything that happened in the kitchen, which was normally just my parents having people over and me going to bed before they were done being social. But another noise I had to get used to were the trains. The first few times I heard the train go by, I was not impressed. Though we were not that close to them, when awake, you can definitely hear them. But they were not so loud as to wake you out of slumber. But after a few times, I actually came to enjoy the sound of the train passing. Wondering as I would drift off to sleep, where the train may end up and who may be on it. That was a sound I had no problem getting used to.

Australia wasn't so bad. I never spent long enough in one place, having only lived there for 10 months, and lived in three different accommodations. My first place of residency was like Melrose Place mixed with a university dorm. Though there were curfews on noise, you could always hear the faint whispers of parties being had in far off rooms, or the sounds of neighbours hooking up. And the gossip could really keep you up all night. The next place I lived was like a temple in comparison,  quiet and serene. I had two roommates, one I barely saw and the other who was quite lovely. The only noise that I had to get used to was the sound of geckos. The chirping was something that used to creep me out at first, I never knew if they were on the inside or outside of the house. I found myself checking my room over constantly to see. Usually turning up empty handed, and eventually finding a way to let the chirping lull me to sleep. In my last place of residence, I lived with a lovely woman and her daughter. No outside noises. No noise that could be helped. It was only the creaks of the house that I had to get used to. Which I never did, being there only 6 weeks and all.

In Thailand I remember waking up to roosters… yes you read that correctly. I did not live on a farm, why am I waking up on a weekend to the sound of a rooster crowing at 6am? Because roosters and chickens wandered around my neighbourhood like they owned the place. Being scared of birds and all, this was terrifying enough as it is. But that noise is something I found hard to sleep through or get used to. And on top of the rooster, two days a week --I believe Wednesday and Sunday, if I am not mistaken-- I could hear the chants and songs from the temple that was in my neighbourhood. And not because I lived that close to it, but because they had a PA system throughout the neighbourhood that would project the temple's chants for all to hear. That was definitely a difficult sound to get used to, especially since I didn't speak Thai and was never quite sure what they were even saying. Oh but that wasn't all… have you ever lived near a karaoke bar? I have. At my house in Thailand, there was a karaoke bar located a ways down the road, and some nights the calamitous noise that came from that bar made my head throb. Some nights it bounced off other houses in the neighbourhood and I could swear my neighbours were singing karaoke in their houses. Eventually Leah and I took my Australian friends, when they were up visiting, and we checked out that karaoke bar. Perhaps we should have just joined in every night, would have been a lot more entertaining.

But seriously, that beeping is still going on, how do they expect people to sleep through this?

It's difficult to leave ones home, so familiar and known. Though not thought about often, it's these foreign noises, especially the ones at night, that are a reminder that I am not at home. And sometimes it doesn't feel like home until I find that I no longer notice these noises and am able to sleep in peace without acknowledging the existence of noises at all.

in the silence

I have been meaning to write a post on here for awhile, but to be honest, I haven't been up to it. I wish I could say that I have spent the past few weeks going on adventures and being too busy to write and tell you of all the fantastic things I have been doing, but alas that is not the case. Unless you count hibernating in my room watching Netflix and knitting as adventurous. The reason I choose to write this now is that I read a story to the Grade 9 English class I was teaching today that had a quote that really spoke to me. It got me thinking about my life here and trying to make sense of it all. I never really understood why I, a social person, have chosen to be anti social in this new life of mine, in this new 'home'. But I am starting to make sense of it now.

"In the silence, a man learns to be strong. And the silence is not only on the mountain. Somewhere, before he dies, every man must meet it and struggle with it on his own terms. In the silence we must face only ourselves". - Peggy Curry

I have never been one who is unable to make friends easily. As much attitude as I have, and disdain for society and people, I have always been a friendly, social person who has surrounded herself with friends. I grew up going through school, elementary to university, with many different groups of friends. When I look back at high school in particular, I may have been that girl who always had her headphones on, but I had so many different friends in different groups. I don't care to label the groups according to what they were perceived to be by people outside of the group, but there were all kinds of different groups and looking back I was friends with a lot of them. Even going off to university I made friends with many people, those of whom I am still friends with today, even if we live far away from each other. I made some of the best friends I have there.

Then I chose to leave the country, for the first time, by myself, and head off to Australia. I met friends instantly, though to be honest the first friends I met weren't the friends I kept. I find in situations like that you often tend to make friends with the first people you meet, because of circumstances such as where you live or what classes you are taking. The girls who lived next door to me were from Canada, taking the same program as me, and funny enough took the same program as me at Brock University, so it was easy to find things in common and form a friendship. Over time, I realized that I didn't quite fit in with these girls. They were shallow, conniving and just not the kinds of people I would choose to spend my time with. Lucky for me, I lived in a complex that offered me plenty of people to be friends with. So I slowly became friends with other people and joined a group of friends whom I am still friends with today. I never spent that much time alone in Australia, once getting there I had made friends, dated someone and barely spent any time alone in my room, as I do now. It was nice to be social, to always have something to do, somewhere to go, people to hang out with. But at the same time, it was overwhelming to live in that complex full of drama. It was like living in high school. I eventually moved out and made friends with my new roommate Nicole and some of her friends, who I still consider friends of mine to this day. Even living closer to the beach and further from my friends, I still spent more time being social than being alone. And when I was alone, I was wandering around at the beach or in Mooloolaba.

Two of my favourites and I at Fraser Island

Beach Days in Mooloolaba with some favourites

This was a great weekend trip with great people.

Ridiculous photoshoots are better with friends involved.

Trip to Melbourne for my 23rd birthday was spent with wonderful friends

Hanging around in Sippy Downs, QLD, with some fine folks

Then I moved away again a a few years ago, this time a very different culture, in Thailand. Somewhere I felt like it would much harder to make friends and meet people. But I did. Though situations involving my roommate made it difficult to socialize (roommates stories can be saved for a different day), I was able to make friends with quite a few of my fellow teachers and through them I was lucky enough to make friends with other people they have met, whether they were passing through Chiang Mai or living there. Though I did spend some more time alone in Thailand than Australia, I found myself going out more often than not. I rarely bought groceries, so I was constantly going out for dinner, or going to explore some new place, or see the same temple for the millionth time. I became close with another teacher, Megan, and we spent a lot of time together just doing things friends do anywhere. I look back on Thailand with fond memories of adventures, and street food, and markets, usually spent with Megan, Bridget or Leah, or others. I felt like I made some really good friends while I was there.

Some of my favourite people I met in Thailand

Friends like Bridget made me do silly things like Karaoke at Loco Elvis :)

Nights like these with Megan are what I miss most

When two of my favourite Aussies came to visit me in Thailand

Fast forward to today, I tell myself, and others, that I am okay. That spending my time being anti social and alone isn't as bad as it sounds. And in a way it's not. I hate the cold. I have been hibernating from it, because deep down, I have realized, I am a warm climate kind of girl. The cold weather takes me out of my element. I can't wear the clothes I love to wear, it's too cold. I don't feel like myself here. Not to say that the 'clothes make the man' because it is certainly not the case. But I feel like my sense of style has been compromised due to the desire to be warm taking over the desire to be stylish. And I think that is part of the problem. I am not myself. I also am having a hard time trusting. And some may ask why that would hinder my social life, my ability to make new friends. But it has. I have always been cynical and felt it was hard to trust others, mostly guys. But I feel as though lately it has been taken to a whole new level. I don't trust new people at all. I don't trust they are who they say they are. I don't trust that what they tell me is fact. I have always been someone who makes better friends with guys than girls, I don't know why, I can't explain it. That's not to say some of my best friends aren't girls, I have just always spent most my time hanging out with the guys. And now I feel like it's hard to do that. How do you make new friends with guys when you don't trust them? It's hard to trust a guy when he says he just wants to be friends, when he follows that up by telling you how good you look or flirts with you in some way. I have always been flirty, that's just how I am. And I know it is often taken as meaning more than it really does. But when it comes to making friends with guys, no matter how brutally honest I can be, I always feel like they aren't as honest back. And I never believe when they are saying being just friends is fine, ulterior motives are always there. Which gets proven time and time again when guys who claim to be my friends stop talking to me when they get girl friends, or when I finally explicitly tell them I am not interested or looking to date anyone at all, they stop talking to me. Now I am not saying every guy I talk to is interested in me. It's not about me being conceited and thinking they are all attracted to me. It stems from the lack of trust I have in them to be honest with their intentions with me. And I hate it.

So here I am, unable to put my trust in anyone new in my life and not feeling like myself. And I feel alone. I have never felt so alone in my life. I have gone from living with my boyfriend who was around a lot while I was home, otherwise I was out with others, not as much time alone as maybe we both needed. To now being completely and utterly alone. I have a few friends here, Bryn and my roommates are lovely. I feel bad when I am invited to social events and I just can't be fucked to go. I finally pulled myself together and went to a party that both my roommate and Bryn invited me to, and I felt like an outsider. I felt socially awkward and at one point I looked around and I knew what it was like to be in a room full of people and feel more alone than ever. Everyone knew at least half the people there (it was a crowded party, full of 20-30 somethings) and I knew a total of about three people. And from there I zoned out, where most times I would be social and meet people, I focused on the band playing and let myself wander off into my own little world.

So here I sit, the anti social, social girl, who spends her nights watching Netflix and knitting. I am not always sad, though tears do come to my eyes here or there, sometimes that happens when you are left alone with nothing to do but think. I am training myself to have my mind wander to positive things, to happy memories, but it takes effort and time. But today I realized that there is nothing wrong with this period in my life being anti social. We don't always have to be surrounded by people and doing activities that involve others. I have enjoyed learning to knit, in fact I am sending out three scarves I have knit my friends back home today. And I know that this is just a period in my life, and not my life as a whole. I must learn to be okay being alone again. I must learn to deal with the silence and be at peace with it. I am lucky to be here in Whitehorse, teaching, even if I am not teaching every day. Each day that I am given the opportunity to go in to the classroom has given me hope and strength. Even if I continue to be rejected for opportunities in teaching that I feel I am ready for, I know that it just means it's not my time yet and it's not the right opportunity for me yet. So for now I will embrace the silence and learn to love myself again. For awhile there it was if I was hating myself for things that were beyond my control, for things that were done to me, and not things I have done.

My knitting for Meghan, check those personalized buttons ;)

Knit this for Heather

And knit this for Vanessa

I will make the most of my time here, when I can. I will stay in when I want to stay in and not feel bad for making that decision. I will go outside and do things alone because I like myself enough to do that. The other day it was freezing cold out, and I told myself that I needed to try to embrace the cold. I went on a walking adventure for a little while. Tried to take some pictures and I ended up way past my knees in snow from climbing snow mounds and it was fun. I laughed, I talked to myself, and I froze. And then I went home and curled up in my bed and got back to knitting and Netflix.

Solo snowy adventures

Chai tea latte, selfie stick, me and snow… 

This is Fish Lake

I have adventures ahead of me next month, in Dawson and Juneau, and I have my parent's visiting me for a week. And though I choose to leave here in a few month's time, I won't look back at my time here with regret or sadness. This is the time in my life where I am meeting the silence and struggling with it, in order to face myself and figure out what I want out of life and where to go from here. And it is my hope that my next adventure brings me back to my old self, the person who is confident, happy and looks damn good in a dress.