where words fail, music speaks

What music do you listen to when you are happy? Sad? Working out? Driving? Dancing? We all have our favourites. Different music for different emotions. Different music for different activities.

To me music has always been an important aspect of my life. In high school I was always found with headphones on my ears, or the very least around my neck. This is what inspired my headphones I have tattooed on my back. Since attending my first concert back in my early pre-teen years, I've lost track of the amount of concerts I have attended. Somewhere around 100 or so, I just stopped counting. Going out to see a band play live is my favourite thing to do. There's nothing I enjoy more than a good music festival with some good friends. When my favourite band takes the stage, the music takes over and I can't help but lose control of my body and my emotions. Depending on the band, I either dance, cry or go into an all out singalong. 

When I was preparing for my road trip across Canada, I was told by numerous people to make sure I don't listen to too many sad songs. But I am an emo kid at heart. And the sad songs are always my favourite kind. And I enjoy a good sad song when I am sad, it makes me feel like I am not alone in my sadness. 

Luckily for me I have great friends, with great music taste. Two friends of mine were nice enough to make me USB sticks full of great music for my drive. And one even specified the exact moments to listen to specific bands. And he was right. If you are ever driving through the mountains, I suggest throwing on some Junip, or Fear of Men. They are the perfect mountain music. It's amazing how Dan knew that. 

I started thinking about how music affects your mood. I have never found that listening to happy music when I'm sad helps. I have always been a sad music in sad times kind of person. But the funny thing was, I started my drive with sad music and as I drove across Canada my music turned more into anthems. I started each day with Death Can for Cutie's 'You are a Tourist', because for me the lyrics are one that hit close to home. 'If you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born then its time to go & define your destination, there's so many different places to call home'. As the days went on, I listened to one of my favourite bands, Stars. Their music had a way of making me feel like I was strong enough to make this journey across Canada and be on my own. Something about a lyric that says 'take the weakest thing in you, and then beat the bastards with it', that just makes you feel like your weakness can be turned into a strength. 

So maybe I didn't listen to the typical road trip music. Life is a highway, but I didn't need it sung to me. I needed my favourite bands, to comfort me and bring me strength. And I needed to find new music, provided by friends, to remember the bonds I share with people. Music brings people together, you get to know others through music. And you get to know yourself. The drive may have been a strengthening journey, but without a soundtrack to guide me, I'm not sure it would've had the same affect. 

Nietzsche was right, without music, life would be a mistake. Music is magical. It's mystical and healing powers are hard to explain. And it will always be a huge part of my life. It will always be the only constant that keeps me comforted and feeling like myself. So as I put my favourite record on today, I remember that drive and the way the music acted as my passenger. I was never truly alone, I had some great musicians joining me on my journey. 

i'll endure the night, for promise of the light

What is it about sunrises and sunsets that are so intriguing? I know I am not the only one who chases them. Everywhere I go, I love finding the best place to watch the sun come up or the sun go down. It's as if the view of the mountains, the city, the people, it's never good enough without the promise of colours filling the sky and the sun comes into view, or out of view. After experiencing so many alone, as well as with others, I can honestly say that it is magical no matter who you are with.

Sunset in El Nido, Palawan, Philippines 

On my own, watching the sun rise or set, it gives me a sense of peace. I almost meditate in the moment with focus on the sun and it's movement. The colours fill the sky and make me calm. It's healing in a way, to watch another day start or end, knowing that whatever negativity you endured before this, it will be washed away in thoughts of yesterday. As a new day begins, so does hope for a better day. I do love a good sunset, but those sunrises are what really get me. As the sky begins to change colour, it paints the darkness with pinks, purples, yellows and oranges. All the darkness you were feeling, it lightens it up. Brings new perspectives, with the new colours. Allows you to let go of the negativity, and bring forth the positivity. I remember waking up the past year, before the sun, having a hard time getting up and ready for my day in darkness, but as soon as I was driving and saw that sunrise in my rearview mirror, it was like a reawakening. I was ready for my day.

Rearview mirror sunrises on the 401

Sunrise in the Northern Rockies, Muncho Lake, BC

Sunrise on top of the Clay Cliffs behind my house in Whitehorse, YT

Sunrise and rainbow welcoming me to Banff

Sunrise in Northern Rockies, Muncho Lake, BC

Sunsets are just as enchanting. Especially when watching the sun set with the person you love. I remember as Ryan and I traveled, whether in South East Asia, or last year in Europe on the cruise, we chased those sunsets. It was amazing to be able to watch the sun set in so many different places in the world, and share that with someone else. Some of my favourite pictures from my travels are the sunsets I have captured. And regardless if my relationship has ended, those memories of chasing sunsets will never end. And I will always have the pictures to look upon and remember how good it felt to be surrounded by the colours in the sky and be with the person who I loved more than anything at that moment. There is something majestically romantic about watching the sun go down on another day spent with that person. Forget dinners, flowers, jewellery, just take me to the sunset for romance. It is all I need.

Sunset in Gili Trawangan, Lombok, Indonesia

Silhouettes in the sunset in Gili Trawangan, Lombok, Indonesia

Will always be my favourite sunset picture

I know it may seem ridiculous to some, posting pictures of someone I no longer am dating and myself kissing in front of a sunset. But it is a fantastic picture, and it was an amazing moment, and it is something I will never forget. I never understand hiding pictures away of moments like these, just because things didn't work out between you. Whenever I watch the sunset, I think of this moment and how lucky I was to experience such epic sunsets with him, in so many places in the world. And I am glad we captured moments on camera, especially since he is a much better photographer than I. And I can't wait to experience more on my own, when I continue to travel and get better in my photography skills. 

So today, go watch the sunset. Appreciate the beauty. No matter where I go, I am always chasing the sun.

solitary confinement at it's finest

I will never understand everyone's fear of being single. I feel like there are so many people who spend their lives being terrified of being alone. When they are in a bad relationship, they stay in it because they don't want to be single. When they get broken up with, they rebound right away because, to them, it is better than being alone. So they seem to think anyways. And when a break up happens, it's almost like a race between exes of who can move on to a new relationship first. And if you stay single for too long after, you are clearly not over your ex. You can't possibly just be happy being single. I will never understand it.

Don't get me wrong, there are times that I miss being in a relationship. Though it is not that I miss being in a relationship in general, I miss being in a relationship with him specifically. I do not miss having someone in my bed when I go to sleep at night or when I wake up in the morning, I miss him being the one in my bed. I do not miss having someone to do things with all the time, I can do things on my own.  Or I have friends if I don't want to do it alone. I find after years of giving advice to friends over breakups, they generally just miss being with someone so much, that they often get pulled back into a relationship that wasn't all that great to begin with. And maybe my relationship wasn't perfect. But he did make me happy for a long time. Lucky for me, I am perfectly fine on my own. In fact after almost four years of being in a relationship (well 2 officially, 2 unofficially) I almost forgot how awesome it is to be single. It's nice not to have to worry about someone else. It's nice to be selfish and do only what I want to do. It's refreshing to only have to worry about taking care of myself and not another person. There's a reason I do not want kids or pets, the responsibilities of it all. Relationships can be that way too sometimes. You taken on the responsibility of taking care of them, and they do the same. 

Most importantly, it's fantastic to make plans for your future and not have to take anyone into consideration but yourself.  As I sit here this morning planning my trip around the world, I don't have to worry about anything but making sure I have enough money and time to see all that I want to see. And when you are traveling, with no significant other on the other side of the world waiting for your return, you do not need to worry about how to get a hold of them, missing them and getting home sick over them. You still miss your family and friends, but believe me, after four months in Thailand without Ryan, I remember how much I missed him, and wanted to make sure I could text him when I wanted to. Find time to Skype/FaceTime/video chat, so you can see their face. It's hard to go for long periods of time away from the person you love. Though I will admit, it is nice when that person comes across the world to be with you. Or coming home to the person you love, when you have been away. But that doesn't mean not having that is awful. It is still nice to come home to your family and friends when you have been away. There are always others that you have been missing when you travel. When you are alone for long periods of time, company from others is quite nice, but that doesn't need to come from a relationship.

It's important to enjoy your own company. To really be happy in solitude. And I believe I have achieved that. And I don't just mean recently. I have always been a social person, but I have also been one to enjoy my private time. Some people can often mistaken it as being anti social or sad, but there are things I enjoy doing alone. I enjoy reading. Reading can be a very solitary activity. Though there are times while reading I miss being intertwined with my ex, both with a book open. But I wouldn't want that with just anyone. I'd rather read alone. It's my escape. I miss my step outside my house, the one I grew up in. Some of my favourite time alone was spent there reading and people watching. 

All in all, I have never been one to hate or be in fear of the single status. I'd rather be by myself than be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Or with someone who lies to me. Or cheats. Being single is a nice freedom that is almost unexplainable. I guess being someone who doesn't want to get married or have kids, I don't have this clock ticking, telling me I need to rush back into something in order to do these things at the appropriate age. But I mean, it took me until I was 24 to find someone who I felt was worth being in a relationship with. I have dated before but have always enjoyed being single more than I ever enjoyed the company of anyone else. So I stayed single. There were potentials in the past who, with different timing, could have been something more. Australia got in the way with one. And I wouldn't have traded that experience for any relationship. Timing is everything. I was lucky Thailand didn't get in the way of another relationship; it actually kick started one into something real. So here I sit, with one great relationship in my past. No regrets. It was amazing while it lasted. But here's to being single. To being selfish. And wandering alone around this world, just doing me. Because when I am alone, I am in pretty great company, if I do say so myself.

around the world

Ever since I went to Australia, I have been dreaming of traveling to as many countries as I possibly can. As I thought about all the possibilities, I had a dream that perhaps I could teach in every continent one day. It was a wonderful dream. One that unfortunately seems unrealistic when compared to my other dream of having my own classroom in the Toronto area one day. You see, at the moment it's hard enough to get on the supply list for teaching, let alone to get a full time permanent position. This is why I have decided to spend the school year in the Yukon, gaining some experience in Canada.

This does not mean I have given up my dream completely. I still will follow my heart to every continent somehow. And after a lengthy discussion with one of my roommates last night I have figured out exactly what I need to do...

I will my try best to stick it out in Whitehorse until the end of the school year in June. At that point, if I have not made it on a supply list back at home in Toronto (or Durham), I plan to buy a Round the World plane ticket and spend as long as I can seeing the countries I really want to see, visiting the friends I have made all over the world, and just doing what I want to do. 

Recently I saved up a lot of money, it was supposed to be for a surprise trip to South America for my now ex-boyfriend for his birthday, a lot of it anyways. That clearly did not work out as planned, glad he broke up with me before I wasted money on that, to be honest. But after spending half of it on my car and the road trip here, I now want to keep saving and use it for what it is intended for - travel. 

This is my goal. I am writing this so I can focus on it and make it happen. As well as a way to reach out to anyone who has done this before for information, tips, etc. Also it's my way to prepare my friends across the world to get their spare rooms ready, I am coming to visit! My main goal is still to get on the supply list, teaching is my passion. I want that more than anything. But traveling has become another passion of mine. And right now, with the past year having kicked my ass a bit, I believe I deserve a trip around the world, on me ;)

trust your instincts

I recently had a situation that came up in my travels that was very similar to my own situation in life, that it actually got me thinking way too much. On my stop over in Calgary, I was lucky enough to hang out with a friend I had met almost six years ago on my flight to Australia. He was kind enough to take me around for a day and crash at his and his girlfriend's place for a night. The only problem with the whole scenario was that his girlfriend was uncomfortable with having a random girl she has never met, or heard of, come to visit. Rightfully so, though I felt that as soon as she met me she would realize it was no big deal. I was just stopping through for a day, no intentions of anything more than catching up with a friend.

But I can understand where she was coming from, having been in a similar situation not too long before this. My now ex-boyfriend put me in a similar but worse situation. Here I was, dating my boyfriend for 2-4 years, depending how you count it, and he was having a girl come to visit from Australia. He timed his moving out of my place so perfectly, that he had his own place downtown for her to come stay at. Not to mention she had been a constant worry of mine, as he knew, because they had a history. And because I am pretty good at telling when someone is lying to me. But no they were 'just friends'. And being a traveler as well, I know what it's like to meet people while traveling who you keep in touch with, one way or another, and I would like to think I would give a couch to sleep on to any of my traveling friends if they were in town.

But I am naive. Because I always forget that just because I am one way, doesn't mean everyone is the same. And so she came to visit; I met her. Hell, I even liked her. I enjoyed the conversation over the few days she was staying for the first visit, as she was coming back for a longer stay soon. After this meeting, I felt relieved, my lack of trust seemed silly all of the sudden. This girl seemed harmless. But alas, I was broken up with merely a few days after this visit, leaving me out of the picture for her next visit in a few weeks. It's funny how we can be worried about something for so long, and just when we are finally put at ease, the rug gets ripped out from underneath us.

We never want to believe our partners are capable of doing these things, but we can't help but worry. Which is why I understood where my friend's girlfriend was coming from. It's a hard situation to be put in; you want to be the cool, understanding girlfriend who can just go with the flow, but you worry. And you get jealous. And it's not your fault.

I wanted so much to tell my friend's girlfriend my own story, tell her how I was in the same situation, but my boyfriend actually left me to be with the girl who came to visit. I figured that maybe telling her that story she would sympathize with me, but then I thought some more about it. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea and not be able to trust the next traveling girl coming to visit. Because even in my situation, I would do it all the exact same. I would try to be accommodating. I would be the bigger person and deal with my issues. I would expect the same from any partner of mine. Because to be honest, as a traveler, that's what I would hope others would show me as well.

It's a shame the way things turned out. I can't say it hasn't fucked up my psyche a little bit. Who likes to be introduced to their replacement before being broken up with? It's a rather odd situation to be in. It messes with your head a bit, makes you wonder if you really know anything anymore. You want so much to believe that other people are worth trusting, but when it all comes down to it, you should always trust your own instincts first. The only person who you can ever truly trust is yourself.

But in the end, I would tell my friend's girlfriend not to let those feelings of uncertainty, or jealousy, or lack of trust, get in the way of being open to situations like this. I may be naive, I may be thought of as a fool. Put in a similar situation, I would do the same as I did before. I would find fun things for that person to do. I would buy an air mattress for them to sleep on. I would go out of my way to be accommodating. I would do this because that is who I am. I want to believe that no one would put you through that situation to hurt you. No one would come for a visit to take your boyfriend away from you. That kind of shit happens only in the movies, no?

from one mailbox to another

This week I received my first bit of mail at my new 'home'. I was delighted to say the least. There is something about receiving mail to your new address that makes it all seem a little bit more real. Like, 'hey I live here now, it says so on the front of this envelope'. As if all it takes is someone writing your name with your new address to make it so. It's a surreal feeling in a way, especially in this day and age, with email, Facebook, Instagram and the likes. There are so many ways to communicate with one another from across the country (or world), that snail mail, as it has so accurately been called, is becoming less and less common. Which is a shame, as there is something so meaningful and heartfelt about sending and receiving real, handheld mail.

I remember receiving mail when I was in Australia. A few things here or there from friends, nothing spectacular that is engraved into my memory. But the thing I do remember about my mail, is that I kept it with me, even as I moved from place to place (3 different living situations in total). I always had it with me so that I could remember that even if I don't get to talk to my friends and family every day, and even though I cannot see them, I am loved. It's cheesy but it's true. I live for the little bits of mail I receive. Hey even when I am not away, but that's just usually the weekly online shopping packages I get in the mail.

I think my favourite bit of mail while away, and this is going to sound ridiculous to most, was a sample of adult diapers I received at my second 'home' in Australia. Now I know what you are thinking, but let me explain. My sister and I have had this weird mail thing happening, ever since we both moved out of our parents house (though I have moved back a few times). Her best mail prank to me was sending me a free sample of adult diapers to my University house. I died. Especially since it was done in the summer when my neighbours were collecting our mail for us. Now imagine my surprise when she found a way to send me a sample of adult diapers to my house in Australia. I am pretty sure I laughed so hard I cried. It seems silly to say 'it was thoughtful'. But I mean, it really was. I was still able to joke around with my sister from the other side of the world. Not to mention, my roommate Nicole and I somehow managed to convince our friend Nick to put the diapers on over his skinny jeans and let us take pictures. I won't humiliate him and post them, but they were pretty funny pictures.

In Thailand I did not receive much mail, and that was a bit hard. I remember being jealous when others received mail and/or packages, and I, none. My sister had sent me a package with art made by my niece, but I never received it. It broke my heart. But I did quite enjoy being the one to send mail. I sent postcards made by the app Postcard on the Run, where you can make postcards from your own pictures. I remember being so excited to send Ryan a package of random Thai things, as he had been to Thailand before. I threw in t-shirts that I had found for him, cheap sunnies, and random things. It's so fun to put together care packages for people and send them, even if it is not always cheap.

So imagine my surprise when I have only been at my new 'home' for a week, and I get a nice orange envelope in the mail. It's funny because even before I saw the return address written on the back, I knew who it would be from. Ryan's mum has always been the sweetest lady, and always has the perfect cards and such, for every occasion. I opened it up to find a paper skeleton to hang up for Halloween, signed from his parents. Such a simple thing to send, yet something that made my whole week. I have already hung it on the back of my bedroom door, as a reminder that someone thought enough of me to send me something.

First piece of mail in my new 'home'. Thanks Jimmy & Gail.

I am and always will be a huge advocate to sending real mail. Although I am thankful that there are other options. Emails are fantastic. Facebook posts are lovely. Being able to share my adventures on social media is quite remarkable when you think about it. But a quick letter in the mail, a card, a hand drawn picture; these things are priceless. And I am forever grateful to those who choose to take the time to send out anything. I plan to do the same, and write letters with my typewriter and send them to those I love. In fact, I am going to go out and buy some fun stationary today (here's hoping there is a store here that sells such thing).

narcissistic tendencies

I can be rather vain at times, yes Carly Simon this song is about me. I will admit it, vanity can get the best of me sometimes. Ask my parents how many times I have told them I am beautiful… yes you read that right, not how many times they have told me, how many times I have told them. Okay so I may not be as vain as that makes me seem, I mostly do it for a laugh, but I am aware that I am not unfortunate looking. I have been blessed with good genes, and some features that could be considered attractive, but I am not here to brag about being good looking. I will leave it at that. I wanted to preface this post with this, so you know what kind of person you are dealing with here. I am not narcissistic, just confident in myself.

This is the 'check out my drastically new hair' selfie.

Now that all being said, let's get to the point, I want to talk about selfies. I know it is a much discussed topic of conversation. Everyone has their opinion on it, and everyone has taken a selfie here or there, regardless their opinions on it. Starting out as something people did for their MySpace profiles, the self-portrait photograph was not referred to as a selfie until around 2005. Selfies only really gained popularity, in people outside of their teenage years, in the 2010s, being one of the top 10 buzzwords of 2012. I mean, there is a reason we have the front-facing cameras on our phones now. Everyone wants to take selfies. And there is nothing wrong with that.

'check out my blue hair' selfie

'check out my new dress' selfie

'John Legend concert with Chelsea' selfie

Now as for people's opinions, they vary person to person. Some people I have talked to believe that people take (and post) selfies because they are full of themselves, vain and/or narcissistic. While others have the opposite opinion, that the reason people post these selfies all the time is that they are insecure, in need of reassurance from others that they are hot/beautiful/sexy/etc. Personally, I think that both may be true, but not every person is taking (and posting) selfies for the same reason. The reason I post a selfie will differ from day to day. My day to day selfies are usually to just post about the new dress I bought (it's an obsession of mine) or if I changed my hair. Yeah sure, I want you to like it, but whether you like my picture of me in my new dress or not, I still like myself and my new dress. I think many people are the same as me, they want to take a selfie to show off something new, or they take it with a friend as a memory of being somewhere together. Gaining popularity is the celebrity selfie, who needs an autograph when you have picture of you and the celebrity taken on your phone? The thing I will agree with, that doesn't need to be done, is the exact same selfie, of your face, every day, the same way. That's when the selfie gets a bad rap. We know what you look like, yes we see you have very nice cleavage again. Fantastic for you. Please show me something more. Intrigue me with your selfie.

I call this the provincial selfie series.

The reason I have been thinking about this recently, is that for my solo journey across Canada, I bought what they call a selfie stick. I was laughed at a little when I did - thanks Vanessa - but I was not worried about that. I did not buy it to take selfies of me just at home in my room; I bought it because I was about to go on an adventure by myself and I am one who enjoys having pictures of myself at the places I visit. Call me vain, call me what you will, but landscape pictures don't always cut it for me. And to be honest, many times random other people don't cut it either. They mean well, when they offer to take a picture of you, or you and whoever you are with, but often times the picture is zoomed in on you without the background, aka the whole point of getting the picture taken. It often frustrates me. Which is why, I bought the selfie stick. And boy am I ever glad I did. I have ridiculous selfies of me all over Canada, hey I even had a fantastic photographer take a picture of me, taking a picture of myself with the selfie stick, at Lake Louise. That is pretty epic, in my opinion anyways.

Taken by the fabulous @candidcameraman at Lake Louise, Alberta

Now let's be honest, as vain as I may say I can be, taking picture of myself is often fairly awkward. How many pictures does one really take of themselves before they settle on one? I am sure most wouldn't want to admit the actual number. No one wants to take a bad selfie and post it for the world to see, we can all at least admit to that. But me, I am super awkward in life. Put me in front of a camera, and I am even moreso, just ask my exboyfriend the photographer; hard to be someone's muse when I can't even smile for the camera, or pose nicely. So my go to for pictures, is the peace sign. I can't help it. Ever since Thailand, it has become my thing. Don't know how to pose? Peace sign. Feeling rather silly taking a selfie? Throw up that peace sign. It's my security blanket for the photo world. I know many probably roll their eyes when they see 'yet another peace sign selfie', but alas, I can't help but chuckle every time I do it. How many selfies can one take across the world giving the peace sign? I will find out.

Peace signs in Jasper, Alberta.

Lake Louise peace sign selfie… it's my thing.

Moraine Lake, Alberta

An oldie from El Nido, Philippines, just in case you thought I was kidding about the peace sign.

Some may agree with the things I have said here, some may not. Both opinions are okay. To each their own. I am not saying you have to like my selfies, or even look at them. But I will continue to post them. I like selfies. They are fun, and I feel as though I am confident enough in my own skin, that how many likes/comments I get on my selfies does not determine my own self worth. And the moment that is does, is when I need to sign off from the social media world and reevaluate myself and my life. So I say keep up your selfies my friends, I love seeing your beautiful faces, especially when I am far away from them and missing them. And you can see my face any time I feel like subjecting the social media world to 'yet another selfie'.